Today, the whole family went running.
Today, the whole family went running.
It sucks soooo bad that I sometimes wonder why I even bother in the first place. Was the subject of what we were fighting over so big that we have to go through this? Do the highs of our relationship really outweigh the lows?
Part of me tells me to just relax because this is part of what relationships are about. Highs and lows. We've been having some rough spots because I've lost my job and the money has gotten a lot tighter1. We both have our expectations of what should and shouldn't be.
Another part of me is angry at the world. Angry at where I am. Angry at myself.
I was having a fairly good day and I didn't want to walk into that familiar routine of being her punching bag. I'm tired of taking other people's
redacted and I dumped it back on her with other stuff as well.
And then she just laughed.
That's where I went wrong. I got angry. I got very angry and said that I sometimes don't like coming home to her because of her attitude. I might have said some other stuff too. I don't remember all of it, but I'm sure she'll remind2 me.
I went for a walk before it got bigger. I came home. We didn't look at each other. She took the girls. We slept in separate rooms.
Now I'm sitting at a coffee shop.
I might as well be sitting in the middle of Antarctica for all the distance and coldness between us.
The real rub about this is that even though I'm unemployed, I still make more than her via unemployment insurance. This has allowed us to appear that we are doing alright, but I feel the strain of it. We're living hood rich. ↩
I'm going to paraphrase, "There are three sides to every story: The way he remembers it, the way she remembers it, what really happened." ↩
I went for a run today by myself.
I haven't had any exercise in a while and it was great to get out of my head and hit the dusty trail... which actually isn't dusty because it's paved. Although I do enjoy the benefits of running, I don't really enjoy it. I don't get a thrill of having the wind in my hair or seeing the scenery change as I speed along the paths and trails.
Maybe I'm not going that fast.
Tomorrow, I plan on going to my first yoga class at a local studio and I'm pretty excited about it. It's a new way of caring for myself and I have to make that a priority.
I've typed up a new list of affirmations for myself, but I'm honestly afraid to put them in a place that I can see them every day. I've played with the idea of making a script to pop them up when I first log into my computer in the morning, but that time usually changes depending on what I'm doing that day. I've also thought about putting them up in the bathroom, but I'm embarrassed about how I would explain that to my children and afraid that my wife might say something about that.
I looked at that last sentence and thought, 'Hey, I can't live that way. If I'm going to make myself a better person, I need to do this for me.'
So, I guess I'll be printing them up now.
I was in a dark place. It was a cage with other people and a couple lights above us.
I could hear people walking across and i knew who they were.
They were being judged and they were going to heaven.
and then a man came down dressed in black and drinking a cup of coffee. he asked "why should you live?" as he sipped his drink and sat down.
"how can i find my pashion," i yelled.
he almost spat out his coffee...
he readjusted himself in the chair and repeated the question as if i hadnt said anyhting.
i felt like i was doomed and helpless. that nothing i said or did would change anything...
i feeling that im too familiar with...
and then the alarm went off.
So for the last couple of months I've been carrying a large spiral notebook that I got from staples. I had planned on using it to capture ideas and as The One Tool1 that would change all of my disorganization into a simple constantly productive life. As will all my new tools it was great for getting thoughts down and being able to read them over.
The only major problem I had was that I could put it in my pocket and just leave right away, I had to have some kind of bag or give up a free hand in order to carry it.
Another thing is that my daughters see it and think "Hey, it drawing time" and now it's halfway filled with their little snippets of stories and artwork.
Personally, it's made it even easier to keep around.
I'm a recovering productivity porn junky. I think a log of perfectionist/procrastinators are always looking for that one thing that will wip away all her or his problems away. The should all look into Ü. ↩
My oldest daughter has fallen in love with our iPad. She has gone from being an avid reader to coming home and asking for it as soon as she steps through the door. Sometimes she even asks for it as we drive up to our home.
Part of me is proud about how she has mastered moving around on the device. I've sometimes seen her start a movie in Netflix or watching things on YouTube. My wife loves telling her co-workers how our daughters can do things that some adults have difficulty doing.
But that is part of the problem. My daughter can do things other adult have trouble doing. Things like place an item into an Amazon shopping cart and proceed to the check out, find "special" offers on Disney merchandise and then place her personal information in one of the forms.
Honestly, I've been lucky that she hasn't ordered hunders of books and horse toys.
Another aspect of this problem is that she's grown rather fond of a series of fan fiction trailers about the Lion King. Although at first glance there isn't anything wrong with seeing how people can take something and make it so much more. When she run over to me and says that certain characters share a different relationship and lineage that I feel is kosher that's when I got to step on the breaks.
Maybe, part of this is my fault for pushing technology and all it's wonderful whizz bangs without giver her some kind of limitations. But the geek in my wanted to see what she could do if she were to explore on her own. The part of me that says "you must always be a vigilant parent" lost to the part of that wants to let her be free and a kid.
That is what makes this part bitter sweet. I know the world isn't filled with magical talking animals. My daughter knows this too. But there is no need to disillusion her to the good in people and the good of moral character. She doesn't need to worry about wether Simba and Nala are really first cousins. She doesn't need to worry about a whole bunch of books showing up that she needs to pay for. She shouldn't worry about meeting some stranger on the internet. She needs to just have fun and be a kid.
I feel that one of my greatest weaknesses is that I underestimate myself and my abilities. For a large part of my life, I've had a voice in my head that told me that I'm not good enough.
It is only when I stop myself and look at all the little things that I do and make a daily list of accomplishments that I find the strength say, "Yes, I can and did."
They say life is made up of little things, and it is up to all of us to find the little things in life that will move us forward.
One time, I said that I'd rather live a life where I regretted some of the outcomes of things that I'd done rather than living with the regret that I didn't do anything. Turns out that I was living a life filled with simple regret instead of going out there and just living.
I'm not going to get on the horn and start outlining all the things that I plan on doing because I know how plans can change. All I can do is be true to myself and look at how I can change my course to live my dreams...
Today, I'm going to nock some things off of my project list for a while now.
The first thing that I'm going to do after dropping off the kids is redo my website. I've put up a place holder for now, but I'm sick of not having a place on the internet that isn't really mine. I'm going to have a really basic design and then just take it from there. I think I might even place it back onto NearlyFreeSpeech.net again because they had one of the easier ways of hosting and I didn't have to worry about forwarding the www.quotidianquest.com1. I think one other thing about this project is to finish my version of my formatting markdown script. I've been pushing it back for quite a while and I can't get it off of my mind. I'd really like to have something to show the world and just be able to move on with something else.
As for my other project that I'm going to be moving on to. I'm going to work on my trust issues with my project tracking system. I don't review it often enough to trust it and I find myself letting things fall by the way side. I think I'm going to focus on getting things out of my mind and dedicating time on my calendar to review things at the beginning and end of the day.
I don't know if that's really an issue any more, but it really bugs me that that isn't working when I'm hosting on github. But hosting on github is free and free is really hard to beat. ↩
I've decided to start the day off swinging. It certainly helps to already have some kind of plan for the day and I want to take advantage of this great energy that I've got and really finish something.
I don't know where I'm going to be next week at this time.
Those are the first words that I can think of as I stare at the computer trying to come up with something write about for today. It's not that I don't know what I'll be doing1, but what am I going to be thinking about when I do it. Will I be worried about when my next paycheck is going to come in or am I going to happy that we just finished another birthday party for the kids. Will I have to worry about whether or not I have to put the dog down because he's been having some digestive problems.
I don't know.
I've been looking for ways to not get into a rut since loosing my job almost a month ago. All I can think of is the worry about what my next step is going to be and how horrible it will be if such and such doesn't happen for me. Almost none of my energy has gone into making things happen for me.
It almost feels like I'm catatonic, or a ghost standing over my own body and watching as time and life just slip by me.
The only good news is that I feel that I'm finally slipping through some of the fog and actually moving forward with some things again.
Like with a lot of things in life, the first step is the hardest.
Most probably looking for a job or something like that. ↩