Mandaris Moore


I feel that one of my greatest weaknesses is that I underestimate myself and my abilities. For a large part of my life, I've had a voice in my head that told me that I'm not good enough.

  • Not good enough to be a writer, so I never took the time to write.
  • Not good enough to be a dancer, so I never pursued competition.
  • Not good enough to make it as a programmer, so I never submitted an application to anyone other than teachers and close friends and afterward I never bothered to save my own code.

Not pretty.

It is only when I stop myself and look at all the little things that I do and make a daily list of accomplishments that I find the strength say, "Yes, I can and did."

They say life is made up of little things, and it is up to all of us to find the little things in life that will move us forward.

One time, I said that I'd rather live a life where I regretted some of the outcomes of things that I'd done rather than living with the regret that I didn't do anything. Turns out that I was living a life filled with simple regret instead of going out there and just living.

I'm not going to get on the horn and start outlining all the things that I plan on doing because I know how plans can change. All I can do is be true to myself and look at how I can change my course to live my dreams...


Today, I'm going to nock some things off of my project list for a while now.

The first thing that I'm going to do after dropping off the kids is redo my website. I've put up a place holder for now, but I'm sick of not having a place on the internet that isn't really mine. I'm going to have a really basic design and then just take it from there. I think I might even place it back onto NearlyFreeSpeech.net again because they had one of the easier ways of hosting and I didn't have to worry about forwarding the www.quotidianquest.com1. I think one other thing about this project is to finish my version of my formatting markdown script. I've been pushing it back for quite a while and I can't get it off of my mind. I'd really like to have something to show the world and just be able to move on with something else.

As for my other project that I'm going to be moving on to. I'm going to work on my trust issues with my project tracking system. I don't review it often enough to trust it and I find myself letting things fall by the way side. I think I'm going to focus on getting things out of my mind and dedicating time on my calendar to review things at the beginning and end of the day.


  1. I don't know if that's really an issue any more, but it really bugs me that that isn't working when I'm hosting on github. But hosting on github is free and free is really hard to beat. 


I've decided to start the day off swinging. It certainly helps to already have some kind of plan for the day and I want to take advantage of this great energy that I've got and really finish something.


I don't know where I'm going to be next week at this time.

Those are the first words that I can think of as I stare at the computer trying to come up with something write about for today. It's not that I don't know what I'll be doing1, but what am I going to be thinking about when I do it. Will I be worried about when my next paycheck is going to come in or am I going to happy that we just finished another birthday party for the kids. Will I have to worry about whether or not I have to put the dog down because he's been having some digestive problems.

I don't know.

I've been looking for ways to not get into a rut since loosing my job almost a month ago. All I can think of is the worry about what my next step is going to be and how horrible it will be if such and such doesn't happen for me. Almost none of my energy has gone into making things happen for me.

It almost feels like I'm catatonic, or a ghost standing over my own body and watching as time and life just slip by me.

The only good news is that I feel that I'm finally slipping through some of the fog and actually moving forward with some things again.

Like with a lot of things in life, the first step is the hardest.


  1. Most probably looking for a job or something like that. 


My wife had her wisdom teeth removed last Friday and she's still in pain. They say that if momma ain't happy then no one is1, but -other than the occasional rough spot brought by the fact that she's in pain and can't eat- it's pretty smooth.

In fact, it's given me more opportunities to interact with the girls and show them that I can be just as fun as mommy.

For example, my youngest usually screams like a banshee when we clean her hair, but we turned it into a fun game where she got to play with the shower head and squirt around the bath tub. Both of them liked it and we didn't have to clean up buckets of water.

Working Out

I also had my second workout at innovative fitness but I think that it could have been better. Most of the exercises are new to me and I'm spending more of my time focusing on the technique versus pushing myself a little bit harder.

My knees have been hurting me when I do lunges and the exercises that the couch has been throwing at us has some kind of lunge.

I think that it might be what's holding me back. I'm scared of pain. I don't want to hurt myself, but it made me think about all the times that I didn't push myself because it hurt.


  1. They also say what's good for goose is good for gander. I used to think that was talking about feeding birds... Oh, to be young and naive. 


I was driving over to the post office to drop off my unemployment papers and I was thinking about my father. I do respect and love my father, but sometimes I see the scars that life has given him. There are moments where I see the bitterness seeping out of him.

Although I lived in his house for more than half of my life, there are many things I don't know about him. I don't know all the troubles he lived through and there have been times when I've wondered why does he feel a certain way about different things.

There have been many times that he's ranted about something and I've thought he was crazy. The thing is that's I feel that he's right to a degree, but the way he talks about it doesn't help his argument.

The thing is, I don't know much about my father outside of being my father.

What is important?

Is it important that I know everything about my dad before he became my dad? No. The important thing is that he loves me and that I can trust him.

The reasons I think about this is that I wonder if he is happy. Is he proud of the majority of his choices in life and whether he's accomplished all of the goals that were truly important to him.

Are we going anywhere with this?

There are many times in my life where I've forgotten that how many sibilings that my parent have and what's their names are. I do know that my father has a brother... His name in John. I don't know if it's Jon, Jonathan or John... For a couple of years I thought it was Robert.

Last week, I was driving in the car with my family and I mentioned my brother.

My oldest daughter asked, "You got a brother?"


My wife had her wisdom teeth pulled today.

All four of them.

Well, things are going to be cheery around here. :)

I spent most of the day just caring for her or watching her sleep. It was kind of nice because it took me back to the early days of our relationship when I would just sit and stare as she slept. Natasha thought it was kind of creepy, but for me it was a rare moment of seeing her at peace.

Other Projects

I've prioritized my tech projects to two major things.

The website

I've taken my website down because I didn't like the direction (or lack thereof) it was taking. I originally had a lot of different ideas that I wanted to do, but got stuck with the tools on making it versus making the content the king. I've placed a holding page up for now while I come up with what the next step is going to be.

I haven't decided on whether I should move to a service lie calipin or just throw everything out and start completely from scratch.

Re-starting my career

I'm not happy with where I am and have decided that I need to start over from the very begining as far as my career is concerned. I'd like to take what I know about computer science and just go over all the little things that made me take the subject from the beginning.

On how to do this, I've been putting a plan together that focuses more on the how of computer science and "going deep" versus the why.


Hello, today I was thinking about all the things I would like to do. Sometimes it feels like I have the entire world on my shoulders and I fight the urge to attempt to do everything at once.

I'm going to take a second to think about what the most important thing is at this moment and do it to the best of my ability. It times like this, I go back to OmniFocus.

Books

Today, I attempted to ship a book[^book] that I had placed on Amazon. Amazon was going to give me 3 bucks to ship it and all the shipping options that USPS offered were 4 dollars or more. I like the idea of sharing knowledge but I seriously don't want to donate my money and time in this fashion.

Job Hunting

I've been looking for a job on dice.com and it strikes me as interesting on how different job postings can be. Some of them are very simple and might as well be the equivelent of a "Help Wanted" sign while others might have 30 or more requirements in order to apply.

During my last interview, the person I spoke with was actually surprised that I read the psoting and job description. Which got me thinking about the hotgun versus snipper rifle approach to job hunting. Do you focus on getting as many résumé out there or do you make a custom one for every kind of position and a different covers letters for every position?


Tonight, I wrote a review for MONOPOLY Hotels, because I was wanted to rant against what I see as a societal evil. Here it is below.

It's hard for me to understand why some many other people like this game so much. Haven't we all learned the lessons of freemium?

The game starts off free, but in the end it become a very long grind where the only way to make some kind of progress is to pay money for "gold". There is no way that you hard work can balance against that kind of thing and if you spent that much time doing it, just think about what you could have been doing with that time and energy…

Here's a hint: Maybe make your own

Oooo! Harsh, I know. You can actually see society changing as you read every character, but I think the ending is the most important. I would like to see a game that was fun and rewarded players for the hard work that they do but still let those who want to "win" do so. I think I'll spend the next couple of days working on some prototypes to see how much work it would take to make something like this come to life.

Fitness

Today was my first time in the gym all year... and maybe all of last year too and I have to say that it was great. I went to innovative fitness and conditioning and it almost seemed like I was having my own personal trainer... that I shared... with 6 people. BUT I don't think I could have done all the exercises on my own.

Definitely, not at this point in my life. I've grown sedentary but going to the gym has really made me want to pursue a more healthier me.

But that could be the exhaustion talking.

Still, my wife says that I seem really happy after doing it.


I'm writing this one in bed.

Not the first time for that, but this time is weird. My wife and I haven't said anything beyond "Can I sleep here?" and "If you want to".

I'm going to chalk this up as a result of stress on the both of us after the contract my contract ended. Plus I have some more bad news, I didn't get a job that I really wanted after doing two interviews. I honestly felt that I was a shoe in for the position, so I'm really disappointed.

I thought about starting some kind of video blog of my progress on how I attempt to find employment and talked about it with my friend, Nick.

The first thing he asked me was if I had ever thought about doing a kickstarter to get a business going and what it would be. It was then, that I told him about a half thought about what I would do if I couldn't find a job.

We decided to meet up tomorrow and talk about what things we can do moving forward.

Working out

Tomorrow, I start working out at intence fitness and I'm a little worried about how it is going to turn out. I haven't been to the gym in years and this is promising to be a unique experence.

I'm going because I have a one month voucher, but I don't know if I'll be staying because... well, I don't have a job. Plus the place doesn't seem to be that proffesional. I called them twice on Monday and didn't get a call back until 4pm that day.

We'll see.