Mandaris Moore

My wife had her wisdom teeth removed last Friday and she's still in pain. They say that if momma ain't happy then no one is1, but -other than the occasional rough spot brought by the fact that she's in pain and can't eat- it's pretty smooth.

In fact, it's given me more opportunities to interact with the girls and show them that I can be just as fun as mommy.

For example, my youngest usually screams like a banshee when we clean her hair, but we turned it into a fun game where she got to play with the shower head and squirt around the bath tub. Both of them liked it and we didn't have to clean up buckets of water.

Working Out

I also had my second workout at innovative fitness but I think that it could have been better. Most of the exercises are new to me and I'm spending more of my time focusing on the technique versus pushing myself a little bit harder.

My knees have been hurting me when I do lunges and the exercises that the couch has been throwing at us has some kind of lunge.

I think that it might be what's holding me back. I'm scared of pain. I don't want to hurt myself, but it made me think about all the times that I didn't push myself because it hurt.

  1. They also say what's good for goose is good for gander. I used to think that was talking about feeding birds... Oh, to be young and naive. 

I was driving over to the post office to drop off my unemployment papers and I was thinking about my father. I do respect and love my father, but sometimes I see the scars that life has given him. There are moments where I see the bitterness seeping out of him.

Although I lived in his house for more than half of my life, there are many things I don't know about him. I don't know all the troubles he lived through and there have been times when I've wondered why does he feel a certain way about different things.

There have been many times that he's ranted about something and I've thought he was crazy. The thing is that's I feel that he's right to a degree, but the way he talks about it doesn't help his argument.

The thing is, I don't know much about my father outside of being my father.

What is important?

Is it important that I know everything about my dad before he became my dad? No. The important thing is that he loves me and that I can trust him.

The reasons I think about this is that I wonder if he is happy. Is he proud of the majority of his choices in life and whether he's accomplished all of the goals that were truly important to him.

Are we going anywhere with this?

There are many times in my life where I've forgotten that how many sibilings that my parent have and what's their names are. I do know that my father has a brother... His name in John. I don't know if it's Jon, Jonathan or John... For a couple of years I thought it was Robert.

Last week, I was driving in the car with my family and I mentioned my brother.

My oldest daughter asked, "You got a brother?"

My wife had her wisdom teeth pulled today.

All four of them.

Well, things are going to be cheery around here. :)

I spent most of the day just caring for her or watching her sleep. It was kind of nice because it took me back to the early days of our relationship when I would just sit and stare as she slept. Natasha thought it was kind of creepy, but for me it was a rare moment of seeing her at peace.

Other Projects

I've prioritized my tech projects to two major things.

The website

I've taken my website down because I didn't like the direction (or lack thereof) it was taking. I originally had a lot of different ideas that I wanted to do, but got stuck with the tools on making it versus making the content the king. I've placed a holding page up for now while I come up with what the next step is going to be.

I haven't decided on whether I should move to a service lie calipin or just throw everything out and start completely from scratch.

Re-starting my career

I'm not happy with where I am and have decided that I need to start over from the very begining as far as my career is concerned. I'd like to take what I know about computer science and just go over all the little things that made me take the subject from the beginning.

On how to do this, I've been putting a plan together that focuses more on the how of computer science and "going deep" versus the why.

Hello, today I was thinking about all the things I would like to do. Sometimes it feels like I have the entire world on my shoulders and I fight the urge to attempt to do everything at once.

I'm going to take a second to think about what the most important thing is at this moment and do it to the best of my ability. It times like this, I go back to OmniFocus.


Today, I attempted to ship a book[^book] that I had placed on Amazon. Amazon was going to give me 3 bucks to ship it and all the shipping options that USPS offered were 4 dollars or more. I like the idea of sharing knowledge but I seriously don't want to donate my money and time in this fashion.

Job Hunting

I've been looking for a job on and it strikes me as interesting on how different job postings can be. Some of them are very simple and might as well be the equivelent of a "Help Wanted" sign while others might have 30 or more requirements in order to apply.

During my last interview, the person I spoke with was actually surprised that I read the psoting and job description. Which got me thinking about the hotgun versus snipper rifle approach to job hunting. Do you focus on getting as many résumé out there or do you make a custom one for every kind of position and a different covers letters for every position?

Tonight, I wrote a review for MONOPOLY Hotels, because I was wanted to rant against what I see as a societal evil. Here it is below.

It's hard for me to understand why some many other people like this game so much. Haven't we all learned the lessons of freemium?

The game starts off free, but in the end it become a very long grind where the only way to make some kind of progress is to pay money for "gold". There is no way that you hard work can balance against that kind of thing and if you spent that much time doing it, just think about what you could have been doing with that time and energy…

Here's a hint: Maybe make your own

Oooo! Harsh, I know. You can actually see society changing as you read every character, but I think the ending is the most important. I would like to see a game that was fun and rewarded players for the hard work that they do but still let those who want to "win" do so. I think I'll spend the next couple of days working on some prototypes to see how much work it would take to make something like this come to life.


Today was my first time in the gym all year... and maybe all of last year too and I have to say that it was great. I went to innovative fitness and conditioning and it almost seemed like I was having my own personal trainer... that I shared... with 6 people. BUT I don't think I could have done all the exercises on my own.

Definitely, not at this point in my life. I've grown sedentary but going to the gym has really made me want to pursue a more healthier me.

But that could be the exhaustion talking.

Still, my wife says that I seem really happy after doing it.

I'm writing this one in bed.

Not the first time for that, but this time is weird. My wife and I haven't said anything beyond "Can I sleep here?" and "If you want to".

I'm going to chalk this up as a result of stress on the both of us after the contract my contract ended. Plus I have some more bad news, I didn't get a job that I really wanted after doing two interviews. I honestly felt that I was a shoe in for the position, so I'm really disappointed.

I thought about starting some kind of video blog of my progress on how I attempt to find employment and talked about it with my friend, Nick.

The first thing he asked me was if I had ever thought about doing a kickstarter to get a business going and what it would be. It was then, that I told him about a half thought about what I would do if I couldn't find a job.

We decided to meet up tomorrow and talk about what things we can do moving forward.

Working out

Tomorrow, I start working out at intence fitness and I'm a little worried about how it is going to turn out. I haven't been to the gym in years and this is promising to be a unique experence.

I'm going because I have a one month voucher, but I don't know if I'll be staying because... well, I don't have a job. Plus the place doesn't seem to be that proffesional. I called them twice on Monday and didn't get a call back until 4pm that day.

We'll see.

I'm not a fan of automotive repair. My first memorys of doing it was me attempting to help my dad work on something on the car. He'd be under there sweating and grunting as he changed the oil and then ask me to go and fetch something from his usually disorganized1 workbench. Unfortunately, it seemed like no matter how quick I was it wasn't quick enough or the part was exactly what he wanted. I understand that it could be frustrating to wait underneath a car in the middle of the summer, but you'd think you'd be a little more prepared (i.e. have the tools ready) for a job that you've done every month.

Now, I don't want to sound ungrateful that my dad wanted make sure that I had some of the basic man skills, because there have been more than a couple times that I've had to change a tire, jump start a car or countless other little things that have popped up over the years. The only drawback is that working on cars with my dad has really left a bad impression on me.

I don't like it.

I cringe when it comes down to the maintenance of it all. I'm willfully and woefully ignorant with it comes to anything beyond the basic maintance. I cry a little bit inside everytime that I have to bring my car into a maintenance shop. When I'm with my other no-car people friends, we complain that there aren't any honest mechanics out there that we can trust.

I mean, I've run into a few who are honest, but they tend to either lose there job (drinking, divorce) or no longer able to work on it (it's complicated). It's shortly after those times that I wish I had taken a class or two on automotive repair. Not only to stop myself from getting ripped off, but to show my dad that I could do it.

But maybe that's a different issue all together.

  1. My dad had a workbench in the garage that he constantly was adding and re-arranging tools on. It was one of those "I know exactly where everything is and if you couldn't find it, someone else must have moved it". After a while, we all learned that this wasn't always the case. 

I don't really know why I find relationships to be difficult sometimes. I think it is because of the way that I see the world. When I was younger, it felt like I was an outsider looking in. I could almost see the connections between people as threads and see how what one person could effect another. I remember feeling alone in this because none of the connections to me seemed to be that strong. I made a conscience decision to focus more on being in the world instead of just looking at it...

I know that I've made some really good connections with other people, but I don't know if I ever forgot the feeling and viewpoint of looking at the world in that way. There is a part of me that looks at the way people treat each other and says, "No matter what I say, that person is going to treat that other person like shit". But maybe that's all part of growing up; seeing that we can't change everybody and that being able to recognize that people must make their own decisions.

Now that I have a wife and kids, I find myself dreading going back to that outlook with them. Sometimes, I feel that I'm only watching them as opposed to living with them. I've been making more time for those I love to tell them that I love them and that I'm proud of them.

Because, they are the most prized connections that I have.

Today is the second day that I've been without a job.

Although it's due to the end of the contract, I still feel kind of lost. That was my first contract, and it's weird to look back and think that even though I knew it was going to end... it still ended.

Honestly, if you had asked me last week whether or not I was feeling confident about what my next step was going to be, I'd tell you that I'm walking forward to the next phase in my career, but --thanks to a lot of little doubts placed by those closest to me-- I no longer feel so warm and fuzzy inside. I constantly hear "It's hard out there", "What's your plan?" and even the contractor who is replacing me was out of work for a year before he found something1. Which has caused me to stay up tonight to write this down, get it out of my system and onto my filesystem.

The fear

The fear is that I won't find some kind of employment soon. In my mind, I have constant questions floating around.

What if I could never find someone to hire me again?
What would I do to make income?

The parent in me jumps up and screams "I'd do anything to make sure that my family is happy and well taken care of", but I can't feed a family on good intentions and I'm not the kind of person to go out and rob others. Although, I have started looking around the house for things that we can sell.

The Plan

The plan or desire at this point, is to take the next couple of days thinking about what I really would like to do if I wanted to run my own business. In case, I don't get a phone call on Monday-Tuesday, what would I like to do to bring in the money. I'm not going to fool myself that I'm going to make something over night, but I'd certainly like to spend more time on making something other than comments on other people's blog.

Ultimately, I want to move from wantabe to somebody in a lot of areas in my life.

  1. At first, I thought the idea of being a contractor was awesome. Employers like to think of you as kind of a hired gun; you come in do the job and leave. After doing it a year and talking to the other contractors and some of the people who used to be contractors, I now think of it as being a prostitute with the old joke that you don't pay a prostitute for sex, you pay them to leave. A lot of people seem ok with the idea that we are hired with the idea of being replaced and with the economy and globalization being what it is, I can't find too much fault with companies doing that. 

I'm not going to lie. I'm nervous. Today, I had an interview and it was really very difficult for me to express myself in the most positive light. The guy kept asking me questions about where I stood as far as the support structure at my last place of employment.

It really brought all those old feeling all over again.

What did I do wrong?
Why did this happen to me?
Where am I going? Who am I now that I can't provide for my family?

Despite all that I tried to find the best answers for the problems and finally I said that if they truly wanted to know how I was as a worker they can contact some of my references.

My wife says that was a good answer and I honestly believe her because the guy stopped asking questions after that and we moved on.

Last Days

Today was also the beginning of the last week working at Intel and -to tell the truth- the last month has been really difficult for me. In addition to the stress and worry of finding another source of employment, I've had to spend all of this month training the person who will be replacing me. Honestly, I've been trying to get him up and running but he's been running into a number of problems related to permissions and other little gotchas along the way.

I wish him the best and I see a lot of new and exciting opportunities for him going forward.