Mandaris Moore

I've been rewatching Westworld with my wife. It's been fun seeing how there are hints of what's to come throughout the first season. I don't know how much the writers really had planned, but it's so much fun to think that something is going to happen and then seeing something completely different.

It's also exciting to see my wife come up with her own theories and see the wonder on her face. These are the good times.

Sometimes, getting ready for bed is the hardest thing to do. In my home, nights are the time that we actually get a chance to sit down and do the things we need to do such as pay bills and schedule activities.

My wife has been the one taking care of the bills in recent months. On one hand, it's good because I found myself having trouble keeping track of when and where money was going. The stress and guilt of missing a bill just got worse and worse over the years as expenses continued to grow.

On the other hand, this has caused problems as I feel pushed out of key decision making areas.

We've never been explicit about it but there have been under tones of hostility about money.

I do what I can, I follow the budget that we agree on and be understanding when she's stressed out. After all, I was doing it for years before we switched.

We're in better shape as far as budgetting, but I tread every night we have to go over bills.

I was going to make something today.

I could say that I made waffles this morning.

Some of them were burnt.

Some of them were soggy.

It seems to be the metaphor for today.

I don’t think society OKs me saying this but I love making passionate love to my wife.

She’s good at it and I love doing it with her.

When it’s great.: Which is actually turning into a question because we’ve been having a couple of issues in the bedroom. Sometime it great and sometime both of us are left laying there unsatisfied.

I know I’m not the only one this has happened to. A multimillion dollar industry is aimed at couples, women and men trying to improve what they have in the bed room or at the very least make something happen.

We’ve done a couple things like read books, play games and even watch a movie or two, but I’m coming to the conclusion that we are missing that little spark that used to set us off. Sure, we have are little sessions here and there but I feel that we’ve drifted apart in some ways and it doesn’t feel like we are making love to each other but only attempting to satisfy our desires.

But how do we do that? How do I take the woman who nurtures my kids and kisses there owies and do all the little things I wanted to do when we were dating?

Is it me? Am I the one who is having trouble identifying that woman I married as the same woman who I couldn’t get the clothes off fast enough?

Part of it is that I can’t get my mind on all the thoughts about being in adequate and into the moment where it is just two people trying to connect.

Before the kids wake up.

It seems like everything things get good between my wife and I things seem to fall apart. I don't know what it is but it feels like the problem I'm having with my mom. I.E. things go well and then GRRRRRR we're silently fighting.

I'm afraid that I married my mom in that regard. I've married someone who's default behavior is something akin to a wild animal. Even when you think she's pretty tamed, she'll rear back and swipe at you.

And that isn't even the worst part about it.

The worst part is that there are very rarely moments where I feel that she even notices it herself or feels that she maybe in the wrong. When we talk about it. I usually hear "you do it too" as if makes it right and a brush off that the argument is over.

It's not over.

I feel blooded and scared over it.

I've been thinking about the story of the scorpion and the frog:

A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion says, "Because if I do, I will die too."

The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown, but has just enough time to gasp "Why?"

Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."

Maybe it is our nature, maybe it is something being blown out of proportion.

But if you felt your relationship was sinking, what would you do?

So I'm messing around with plaintext to see how it might fit into my workflow. It seems like it moves pretty fast. I.m going to try simple note late on and see if that makes for a better experience when it comes to writing.

Personally, I'm leaning more towards a Dropbox based solution because that has a versioning system and that will help me... Some how?

Had a great conversation with my wife about a lot of things. What I liked best about it was we weren't talking about something important but that we listen to each other. Two individuals who wanted to share their thoughts and opinions, it's something we definitely need more of because I don't want to wake up one day next to a stranger.