Mandaris Moore

I sometimes look at the things that I’ve accomplished versus the things that I think that I should have accomplished. It’s always in a negative light because you can’t compete with a fantasy like that.

I think that I may actually grow up this year. I might be the person that I really set out to be.

What does this mean?

I might be able to look myself in the eye every morning knowing that I did my best for that day.

I’d like to know that my children have had a positive male role model in their life and understand what it means to treat people with respect. And above all, treat themselves with respect.

I think I might have a chance to actually have peace of mind this year. It’s really about me going out there and doing what needs to be done.

It doesn’t have to be a chore. It’s just life and it is up to me to live it.

It's almost 2 O'clock in the morning and I'm having another one of those nights where I can't sleep and the only thing on my mind is all the things I need to do and all the things that I've done wrong.

How am I going to do this?
Why did I do that?
If only such and such hadn't happened.

It's hard for me sometimes to see some of the good things that I've done and how I'm making some progress going forward.

I think that's part of the reason that I started doing this, so that I can get my thoughts out of my head and actually do something else. So what is on my mind?

Tonight, I was thinking about all the people who I feel have taken advantage of me. Part of me forgives them because it is ultimately me who gives them the power over me, but other parts of me is bitter that they would go on with their life and never look back and help me with my situation. A card, a friendly email, something to acknowledge that I helped them get to where they are.

But the world isn't like that and me waiting for that to happen is only going to turn me into a bitter old man instead of the slightly bitter person I'm turning into now.

I've got to stop being so jaded in my life, my daughters are looking up to me as an example of what a person is supposed to be and as an inspiration of what a man can do.